So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
should my penis look like a turkey
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize