I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
