There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
