is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
