i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
