Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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