I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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