i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
