This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
