Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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