just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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