Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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