You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
