i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
