I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
