If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize