Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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