I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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