i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
