I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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