Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
