just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
