i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize