so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
