Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize