somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
