i think my tv is drunk
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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