so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
