Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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