I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
