My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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