I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
