On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
