Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
