Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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