Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i've created a new STD.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize