i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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