i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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