Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
