Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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