I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
