She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
