No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
