You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
