dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
