you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
