It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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