Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
