Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize