I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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