I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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