I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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