why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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