We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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