apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My underwear smells like fireworks.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
