remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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