and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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