I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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