We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
