Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
