woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
